When the child custody dispute haunts divorced couples (Part II)

Losing the identity

Leela had lost her identity the day she entered that family. Her in-laws had given her a different name and told her that it was a lucky name for her! When she told me about how she was called by Lalitha, a new, different name, I couldn't stop laughing at her. Leela had not just been called by a new name, but she had lost her own identity, the name her parents had given her was completely gone, she was identified by her new name and called by it by not only her new family, but also by her new relatives!

Leela’s pain knew no limits, but she couldn't even share them with her husband, as he would never trust her. He was a loyal son, but not a loyal husband. Sanjay would even beat or kill her if his parents asked him to do... He had no mind or heart of his own, his brain worked according to his parents and he danced to their tunes, he was a mere puppet in his parents' hands.

Leela couldn't stop herself from telling her pain to her mother and brother when one day her mother-in-law gave her the food kept for dog. She openly told her to adjust, as she cannot cook food! Yes, Leela was made to eat the stale food which was kept in the fridge for a day or two. That day, she was made to realise her position in that family... She felt the need to find a job for herself.

Wondering why she didn't go for work? Leela was denied to practice at home and was merely treated as a servant and the fact became obvious when her unmarried, younger brother-in-law, Rakesh (name changed) once told his mother that he would unleash the dog if any patients come in search of treatment to their house!

Her mother-in-law who had not even passed her high school had a different attitude. She couldn't digest the fact that her daughters-in-law were well educated and could earn very well, in fact better than her own sons... Even though she was expecting, Leela didn't think twice to find a job, as it was suffocating to stay the whole day, doing the service of her in-laws and the unmarried brother-in-law Rakesh.

Leela went to her parents' house when she was five months pregnant and fortunately, they gave her jewels for the pre-baby shower ceremony. Maybe her in-laws expected that she would give them back after the function. But by that time, Leela had realised how greedy they were and could do anything for gold and money.

She had even come to know that her in-laws had kept the jewels of one of their relatives' daughter-in-law, who was a young widow, in their custody. They had not even allowed that young widow to remarry. She was made to spend her life with her two small children with her in-laws! My friend's in-laws even hated the idea of giving back the jewels of that widow too...

Dowry in the name of tradition

After Leela went for the delivery, her in-laws continued asking her and her parents to return her jewels and they cited tradition and custom that the girl should give all her things to her husband and in-laws. When she refused to give, her in-laws and Sanjay abused her, using all the wrong words, in front of the hospital staff and she was made to cry for hours immediately after the delivery. The fact that she had a caesarean and needed rest didn’t get the importance in front of the gold jewels she owned.

Slowly, the gap between the husband and the wife increased, thanks to her in-laws. Even while Leela was staying with them, they didn’t allow her to speak with Sanjay over the phone, all she could speak to him was just checking how he was and informing him that she was fine! Her mother-in-law kept a constant watch on what my friend talked to her husband and never allowed her to have any lengthy conversations with him.

Given the time period she spent with her husband, Leela hardly got any time for understanding him. Within three months of her wedding, she was pregnant and her husband was living away from her. When they met, only his hands spoke on her body and never his mouth!

Later, Leela was told that Prerana had purposefully not gone to see her and the newborn. Her in-laws never told her that Prerana was in the hospital because of them... But the fact was they had not even informed Prerana about the delivery!

Moreover, Leela was told that Prerana purposefully didn’t come for the ‘choroonu’ ceremony -- the first rice giving ceremony of a child -- held at Guruvayur, when in fact, her father-in-law openly told her and Vikram not to attend it… All this was just to create a riff between the two women and unfortunately, Leela didn’t understand it at all. After the birth of her son Ravi, slowly the torture also increased. For every small issue, they created ruckus.

New life, new pain

After three months when Leela returned to her in-laws’ house, within a week’s time, she was sent to join her husband in Bangalore. Her joy knew no limits, thinking about the life lying ahead of her. Husband, she and a son, what more could have she expected for a happily ever after life. But it didn’t take too many days to realize that all that was mere dream, a daydream, a castle she had built in the wind.

Once Leela reached Bangalore, her life was literally trapped inside four walls. All her day was spent in looking after the child, cooking, washing the clothes, cleaning the house. She became a mere parrot in the cage, a dumb, speechlees parrot, a wingless parrot. She waited for her husband to come back from work and by the time he returned it used to be 8 pm and she forgot how the outer world looked like.

Slowly, Sanjay started drinking and beating her. She bore the abuse silently, as she was the mother of a kid now and not alone. When the physical torture increased, she made up her mind and informed her parents. Her parents came and took her and the child back with them. Sanjay didn’t feel repentful by his action, when asked, his parents supported his action.

His mother said: “To control her, he beats her, what’s wrong in that?” Leela’s parents were shocked to know the fact that how uncultured people they were. Her husband completely cut off the contacts with her and stopped calling her. He didn’t even bother to enquire how the little kid was.

When things lead to divorce

Maybe life would have gone like that had Sanjay, his father and his uncle came asking her to return the chain and clothes given to the kid on the 28^th day ceremony. Among Malayalis, 28^th day from the birth of a newborn, the naming ceremony is conducted. During this ceremony, it is the custom for a guy’s parents to give a chain and clothes to the child. Leela’s husband went with his family to get back that chain which was given to her son on the 28^th day.

After they asked her to return the chain, Leela realized the fact that they do not want to continue the relationship and decided to file for divorce. What could hurt a mother more than such an incident?

To add salt to the wounds, they even demanded Leela to return the toys and clothes presented to the kid by their relatives, and even friends! They fought the case in the court and by mutual agreement, got the divorce. Surprising and shocking off all these was Prerana didn’t even know that there was a divorce! She and her parents are kept in dark about the whole incident. And I will write about Prerana and her suffering at the hands of Sanjay and Vikaram’s parents in another post, keep watching.  

Leela got her freedom from her torturers and later felt that she did a mistake by not filing a criminal case against her husband and in-laws. Had she filed a dowry harassment case against them, they would have been behind the bars for minimum 15 years. She accepted a paltry sum of Rs 5 lakh and signed the divorce papers. She didn’t bother about the money aspect, as she had got the permanent custody of her child.

Sanjay and his parents had agreed for the permanent custody and had mutually agreed to meet the kid once in a week. While taking back the managalsutra on the day of the divorce, Sanjay’s mother had taken a goldsmith along with her to check if the chain and the thali were genuine! She wanted to confirm if the thaali was genuine and said in front of the lawyers that she had bought the thaali and the chain from Malabar Gold Jewellers.

Single mother, new responsibility

Now, she is single mother, happily living with her parents and working in a reputed hospital. But that happiness couldn’t remain for more months after the divorce. She came to know that Sanjay’s parents were searching a bride for him, for the second marriage. And now, earlier this month, Sanjay has filed a case against Leela seeking interim custody of the child.

And funnily, he has stated in the case that he’s very rich and is well settled in Bangalore. He thinks that Bangalore is the best city for the child’s education and his parents are ready to move to Bangalore to look after the child. Not just that, he also has said that his second brother is well settled abroad and the last brother is a well settled techie!

Funny to know how does the economic status of his brothers make Sanjay a rich man, a well settled man. A person who can’t even look after himself with his meager salary, now wants the custody of his child. Not because he loves the child, but he can’t see Leela to move on, he can’t digest the fact that a single mother can bring up a child without his support.  

I don’t understand why Sanjay or his parents are not understanding that a mother can look after her child, no matter how difficult situation and circumstances she faces. Maybe they will never understand that they are getting the curses and tears of two mothers, one Leela’s and the other Leela’s mother’s.

How can Sanjay and his parents ever live happily, peacefully? Will not the guilt haunt them to their death? Will not the tears and curses of a suffering woman bother them? Maybe not, as the greed for wealth is so much that nothing bothers them, nothing stops them.

All I wish now is at least Vikarm realizes that who’s fake and who’s true and who would risk it all for him. After seeing Leela, now nothing surprises me, no people surprise me. I wish sooner or the later he sees the original face of his brothers and parents and live a happily ever after life with Prerana.  

Why not a rebel, a feminist?

It will not be surprising if another rebel, another feminist takes birth in Leela or Prerana. I would love to see a rebel, a feminist in them, who oppose oppression, who help other women to come out of oppression, for they have seen all it, they have suffered all it and they know how to tackle situations and help women come out of it and build a new life, with lots and lots of hopes and fresh dreams.

Now, don’t start thinking why am I talking about feminism all of a sudden. When people brand women as feminists and rebels, why don’t they just stop and think why did they become one? Why not put in the shoes of those “feminists” and see for themselves? Feel for themselves?

Not everybody wants to be branded and separated from the common group. How can anybody who has experienced what Leela or Prerana have gone through in their life to be normal? Why can’t and why shouldn’t be feminists?

Here, I’m using the term feminists in a broader perspective, because I can’t forget the fact that Leela’s mother-in-law was also a woman and she feels empowered controlling and suppressing her daughters-in-law. So a feminist here I mean, one who opposes the oppression, questions the male authority, and sometimes female authority as required, and establishes her own mark in the society, in the family, in the life.

Most of the women, often end up becoming feminists after the wedding. Reason? Ever thought of even thinking the reason behind it? Just merely calling them rebels or feminists will not help you get the answer. Many dream of a happily married ever after ending of the novel or story or film they have come across in their adulthood, weave so many dreams, imagine life would be like that, like this. They think sapnon ka rajkumar will come and life will be a bed of roses. And it takes a while to realize that it was a castle in the wind and very soon, all the dreams shatter.

When sacrifices, compromises go in vain

The umpteen number of compromises and scarifices go in vain. The more and more we, women compromise, the more and more we start getting hurt. And sometimes, it so happens that the family members, including the rajkumar of our life, fail to understand our emotions. Every time, we try to please them and keep saying “sorry” in the hope that we may have hurt them by any chance. They fail to understand that when we say sorry to them, it's not meant that we are wrong and they are right. It is all about the importance we give to a relationship more than our ego and this simple fact goes unnoticed!

Why do men, and their parents, refuse to allow the women to choose how to live? Allow them to make changes instead of giving excuses. Why not motivate them in all efforts instead of manipulating things? Make them feel useful instead of giving them the insecure feeling of being used? Help them to excel in life, not compete with other members in the family. Allow them to choose their self-esteem and put a stop when they self-pity. More importantly, realize that they have all the freedom to listen to their inner voice and not to your random opinions and advices.

If the man and the family members of the man realize a simple fact that family isn't always blood and it's the people in your life who want you in theirs, the one who accept you for who you are, the ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what, a woman can live a happily ever after life, she need not become a rebel, a feminist who will want to raise her voice, who demands her voice to be heard, who wants to question the authority and atrocity of in-laws. Utopia? Then, checking women from becoming rebels and feminists after their weddings is also a distant dream.

We women are strong because we are weak, we are beautiful because we know our flaws, we are lovers because we are fighters, we are fearless because we have been afraid, we are wise because we have been foolish... and we can laugh because we have known sadness. At the end of the day, people shouldn’t forget that after everything, still we try to put a bold face. We always tell ourselves, we may not be there yet, but one day or the other, we will get there, no matter what it takes, we will get there. For, we often refuse to let the trivial things of today weigh down our tomorrow!

At the end, let me make things clear, it is not that I'm against Malayalis or their customs and traditions, what I'm against is just their greed and lust for gold. It is not just Malayalis who are taking dowry and it is not just Malayalis who torture brides and daughters-in-law for dowry. There are many other friends who are not Malayalis and yet have gone through the ordeal. Since Leela is a Malayali, I have just given the instances of a few other friends who have been harassed by Malayali in-laws. Definitely it's not something which is meant to show Malayalis in a poor light and I'll shortly come up with stories of other friends, who have suffered because of this ugly dowry system, in the next posts. And yes, it will need more time for me to come up with other posts on those issues...   

When the child custody dispute haunts divorced couples (Part I)

This came as a great shocking news. I couldn’t control my anger or feeling when I came to know that one of my friends’ former husband has filed a case against her for the custody of her child. Yes, my friend Leela (name changed to protect the identity) was tortured by her husband Sanjay (name changed to protect the identity) and in-laws for dowry and she had no other go, but to get a divorce from him. Let me give some background about Leela who underwent all the pain…

She is a doctor and was married to Sanjay, the first son of a family. Before the wedding, she and her family were told a lie that Sanjay was earning handsome, a five digit salary, while he was earning only three digit salary. The Sanjay’s family even hid the fact from Leela’s family that the second son was already engaged and they told about it only after the wedding cards were printed, only 15 days before the marriage.

Before the marriage they refused to take any dowry, but the avarice for the newly married bride's jewels started coming up soon after the wedding. Leela was treated like a servant, made to wash everybody's clothes, clean the dishes, clean the house.

Didn't I mention that her husband's younger brother Vikram (name changed) was engaged earlier? Yes, their wedding took place in a week's time. Sanjay’s mother was very smart, rather call cunning, that she made it sure to use the same divide and rule policy between the two newly married girls – Leela and her sister-in-law Prerana (name changed).

Divide and rule

She compared and contrasted between them and lauded and criticised each girl in front of the other, making both the girls to feel jealous, bad and envious about the other. And the girls never understood their in-laws' tactics, till one fine day. While that realisation came for Leela within two years, it took nearly four- and- a- half years to realise for Prerana.

Ok, leave that. Let me come to the main point of how she was harassed and tortured for dowry. Soon after the wedding, Leela’s in- laws took all her jewels, let me tell you not 10 or 20 grams, nearly 500 grams, yes half kilogram, to their custody.

Did I mention that god knows from where and how this custom among Malayalis developed, they demand minimum one kilogram of gold from the bride's parents during the wedding. I have so many Malayali friends who have given all their jewels to their in-laws and have lost them. Let me tell you a few of them.

Saakshi’s story

One of my friends Saakshi (name changed), a Kannadiga, who was married to a Malayali brahmin lost all her jewels to her mother-in-law. Saakshi is the younger daughter and since she had lost her mother, all her mother's jewels were given to my friend during her wedding.

Saakshi trusted her mother-in-law and handed over all her jewels before leaving for Bangalore. Whenever she used to attend the functions in Kerala, she was given one or two pieces to wear and she was denied access to her own jewellery. Later, Saakshi was speechless and nearly heart-broken when she found all her jewels on her sister-in-law, the new bride.

Saakshi was consoled by her mother-in-law that she would get back them after the wedding and they never returned! Saakshi’s sister-in-law took all the jewels of my friend and constant fights happened between her and her husband, but in vain. Till now, she has not got back any of her jewels.

Kala’s sufferings
Then there is Kala (name changed), another friend, also a Kannadiga, married to a Nair. Since we had warned her in the beginning itself, Kala took care of her jewels and didn't lose any of them to her in-laws. But I know how she was continuously harassed for the jewels for more than four years of her wedding, to the extent that her in-laws even put a pressure on their son to divorce her! 

Unable to bear the pressure, Kala's husband made her to give the five sarees which were given by his parents to her during the wedding. Surprisingly, they didn't take her mangalsutra! Maybe they would have, had she given it back ;)

When in-laws pledge even managalsutra

When it comes to taking away the managalsutra I should mention another incident. There is this journo friend, Tara (name changed), who is a Kannadiga and is married to a Malayali guy settled abroad. One day while chatting, Tara told me: "These b@$$&# Mallus can kill anybody and everybody for gold."

I couldn't control my laugh at her humour while we were discussing about a serious issue like dowry harassment. Then I realised that it was like a comic relief in the Greek tragedies, Shakespearean tragedies, or call whichever tragedies. Tara wanted to make the scene lighter when there was a hot discussion on a hot topic!

Being the lone daughter, her parents her given lots of gold for her wedding, as her in-laws asked no dowry, but asked them to put lot of gold according to Malayali tradition and do a grand wedding. Hmm I remember it was very grand enough and later I came to know that they had spent over Rs 15 lakh for the wedding, that too imagine, four years ago!

 Then they even gave Rs 10 lakh for her visa so that she could join her husband abroad. And before going abroad, Tara’s in-laws took all her jewels, including mangalsutra. Even she didn't listen to her parents who advised her not to give all her jewels to her in-laws, but the newly married girl was so blind in the love of her husband that she blindly trusted his parents and gave them everything silently.

After one year, when Tara returned home for a vacation, she came across an ugly truth. Her father-in-law had lost pledged her mangalsutra to play betting and lost it! And angered by it, when Tara asked her mother-in-law to return her jewels, she refused to give the locker keys.

Continuous fights with her husband for another year, at last got her the locker keys, but she didn't get all her jewels, as some were misused by her in-laws. And when enquired, they said all that she had kept were only that many and they don't know anything about them!

Deepika’s love

Another friend who is a journo, Deepika (name changed) dated a Malayali guy for two years and he just disappeared from her life all because his mother threatened to end her life if he married a Kannadiga. The issue was not that she was not a Malayali, but she would not get kilos and kilos of gold with her.

Deepika didn’t even realize that the guy was greedy like any other Malayali even when used to ask that he like Hyundai Accent and he would like to have it as his wedding gift. He had invited my friend to his elder sister’s wedding, not just to show his family, but also to make her aware that how Malayali weddings are conducted and how brides should wear kilos and kilos of gold from head to toe!

It’s a different matter that Deepika realized the fact that he left her because she would not take so much of gold with her for the wedding, through one of their common friends.

Seetha’s catches

It will be unjust if I don’t mention about Deepika’s boyfriend’s elder sister Seetha, who was fortunately or unfortunately my roommate when I went to Bangalore for the first time. She literally tried to search a guy for herself who was not a Malayali. She flirted with a Kannadiga from Mysore, who was literally in love with her, but later she dumped him after realizing that he was not from a well-to do family.

In between she kept in contact with one of her old boyfriends, who was also her classmates and was hurt by him long back. She tried like anything to convince him to marry her and he was too smart to fall into her trap. Then, she moved on to a North Indian guy. She flirted with him for about a month or two and confessed her love to him and he openly told on her face that he would marry the girl whom his parents agree and they were already looking for one!

And surprisingly, Seetha had even told me a lie that she was the younger daughter, while in fact she was the elder one! Then she had no other go but to accept a proposal accepted by her parents. Though not interested, she married a techie from her own caste, from her own state, but settled in Bangalore.

Later, she opposed the wedding of Deepika to her brother for the sheer reason that Deepika was not a Malayali and would not bring lots of gold along with her. But her greed didn’t allow to settle peacefully with her husband also. She kept on dreaming of settling in London, as most of her relatives were settled there.

Plus, later I came to know another bitter truth that her past haunted her and her husband came to know about all those things and decided to divorce her. Then, it didn’t take many days to get her another guy and she was remarried and settled in London. Don’t know how she is now and what she’s doing.

Seetha often used to tell me that Malayali girls love to marry outsiders, because they don’t wish to burden their parents, whereas Malayali boys will never wish to marry an outsider, because they do not want to lose the huge dowry she gets with her!

Loyal son, not loyal husband

Okie, let me come back to the original story, what I was telling from the beginning. When Leela was given an old saree to wear the very second day of her wedding, she was in full tears, at the plight of her life in the new family. And unfortunately, she was not even allowed to live with her husband, as Sanjay worked in Bangalore. She was made to live with her in- laws and wait for her hubby, who used to visit her once a month for two days!

Being a doctor, I wondered why did Leela even agree to stay back and waste her educational qualification, but it was the decision of her in- laws and Sanjay had no say in it. He was a Sravanakumara, Rama in following the words of his parents, his blind love towards his parents was so strong that he never felt like taking the side of his wife. If his parents said that the child was not his, he was even ready to believe that!

Leela never realised that her husband was creating trouble in the family life of his brother Vikram also. Even after the wedding, he didn't stop borrowing money from Vikram, what else could have he done, he and his parents had told a lie that Sanjay was earning very well and was leading a luxurious life in Bangalore!

Had she found a friend in her sister-in-law

Then, one fine day, after three months of their wedding, Leela came to Bangalore to be with Sanjay for two days. She even visited Vikram's place and was happy to know that they are happily living away from her in-laws.

She couldn't say much to her sister-in-law about the pain or torture she was undergoing back home. All she could say was: "You are very lucky to live with your husband. It is very difficult to live away from my husband, but I can't help it."

Prerana tried to know the reason and Leela changed the topic, for she thought it was not wise on her part to discuss her personal life. I wish she had opened up there and then itself, maybe the amount of pain she underwent after that would have been reduced, if not completely checked.

Leela could have found a friend, who would have stood up to her, who would have given her a shoulder to cry, but the ego came in between in such a way that she didn't even try to open up or search a friend. Or maybe the poison her in-laws had filled in her head and mind was overwhelming to give space for any other thoughts, space to look out for a friend in her own sister-in- law.

Leela forgot the fact that Prerana too had come from an outside family and she too was trying to adjust to Vikram's family. Or maybe she thought her sister-in-laws was more happier, as it was a love marriage! Leela didn't know the fact that her in-laws had not agreed for the wedding for two years and it was only after they threatened that they would go for a registered marriage, that her in-laws agreed for the marriage.

Sadly, Leela had not even known another truth that even though it was a love marriage, her in-laws were torturing Prerana also for dowry! Even though she had a clue that something was not alright between her in-laws and Prerana even before the wedding, she didn’t give much thought into it. She had seen how her mother-in-law had not bought any sarees for Prerana and Vikram had to fight with his mom to buy new sarees for his would-be wife.

After continuous fights, his mother had agreed to buy sarees and bought them just two days before the wedding! Leela didn’t even know another truth that her sister-in-law was discriminated when it came to the jewels given by her mother-in-law, a custom among Malayalis. Yes, they give a bangle and a chain along with a saree for the bride during the wedding.

When smiles hide the pain

Leela never realised that even her sister-in-law had fights, her own problems with the family and her in-laws and all was not well. She didn't even understand that all was not well even after coming to know that Prerana had suffered a miscarriage and she was not even told by her in-laws about that!

And every time, Prerana tried to keep an eternal smile on her face and tried to behave normal, usual. And Leela failed, often failed, or maybe never even made any attempt to see that Prerana’s smiles hid her deepest secrets, deepest pain, her eyes never showed to her or the world that they have cried the most tears and her heart has felt the most pain. And people, including her relatives and friends, went by her smiles and thought she is living a romantic, happily ever after life!

Then Leela went to the office of her husband where she found her man flirting with his female colleagues. When she retorted, Sanjay dubbed her as a villager and told her that it was a part of socialising and she would never understand it. Even though she felt very odd about his behaviour, she took it the right spirit and forgot all about it. How can she keep all that in her mind and ruin her own happiness? She had gone all the way from Kerala to Bangalore just to be with him and spend some quality time with him?

After returning home, Leela’s mother-in-law was curious to know how her second daughter-in-law was, was she quick in cooking, doing household work, blah blah blah. When she came to know that Prerana was good in cooking and household works, she couldn't digest it. She used to criticize her in front of Leela.

And after a few days, Leela came to know that she was expecting and knew no limits for the happiness and joy. But in between, whenever there were functions and weddings, she was denied to wear her own jewels, she was literally at the mercy of her in-laws. (To be continued...)

‘I was tired of explaining my bruises...’

Got this article from Bangalore Mirror. A true and heart-touching story of a woman. Not many dare to come up openly in public with such issues. Hats off to the courageous lady. Read the story to laud the bold step of her.

I met Paras in 2010. Tall, handsome and charming; I wasn’t surprised when I found myself agreeing to go out for a coffee with him that very evening. And that is how it all started. What followed was a whirlwind romance. I will not deny it, but it was the best time of my life. He would drive  to my place in the middle of the night just to let me know that he missed me. He would send flowers over to my office, take me to the most expensive places and buy the most extravagant gifts. What made me fall in love with him was the person he appeared to be -well-spoken, intelligent, an absolute gentleman with my friends, caring and all the things I had ever wanted in a guy. Three months into our relationship, he proposed marriage and needless to say, I was thrilled!

My parents and my best friend hated the idea of me getting married. My parents thought we needed more time to know each other,  while my best friend thought 24 was too young to get married. But I was in love and adamant. And I was scared. I thought, ‘What if I never meet anyone else with whom I am this comfortable and compatible’. Now that I think of it, I guess a part of me agreed to the marriage because that meant that he will be mine and he won’t be able to walk out of my life.

Now, that very thing is making my life crumble around me. I got married in November 2010, against my parents’ wishes. My best friend stopped talking to me. I convinced myself that she was jealous. My parents  had no choice but to accept me. However, they made it very clear that they would not support me if I decided to walk out of the marriage. 

Three months into the marriage, I began to realise why my parents had asked me to take more time to get to know the guy. I always knew he drank. I enjoyed my own drink so, I never saw anything wrong with him having the usual peg with dinner every time we went out. But once married, I saw that his usual peg was generally 5 pegs everyday. The fights started when I asked him to slow down. At 26, he was convinced that he was invincible and went out of his way to prove that I was wrong. 

Gradually, the fights started getting bitter and he started using filthy language. Within a week, he was abusing me and my family. I tried to be patient, but one day I snapped. I slapped him out of anger and frustration, which infuriated him terribly. I still remember the look in his eyes when he looked at me and said, ‘I’ll make you regret that’ and he did. Verbal abuse turned into physical abuse. But whenever I threatened to walk out, he would do the loveliest of things to make me change my mind.

One night, he left me with a black eye, the next day, he took a day off work, cooked and pampered me. But the violence didn’t stop. Nine months into our marriage, I gave up hope. I was tired of explaining my bruises to my colleagues and friends and tired of living in constant fear about when I would get beaten up next. But I could not just walk out. I loved him. Even after all of that, I wanted him. 

In October, our fights reached a whole new level. I was determined to make him see that he was wrong and he was determined to win. One of these fights got exceptionally violent. I threw an ashtray at him which cut his cheek. He was livid and before I could realise, he had twisted my arm enough to break it. I knew I couldn’t stay any longer. I called up a women’s helpline. The counsellor told me that I was one of the very few educated women who sought help when faced with domestic violence. Apparently women like “us” preferred to live in silence, lest the society points a finger at us or people think that we have morals to enrage a man enough to hit us. The reasons were innumerable. But it didn’t  matter to me. A month ago, Paras agreed to go in for therapy, anger management classes and to a counsellor to deal with alcoholism. My parents now want me to move back with them. My in-laws want us to get separated. My best friend is not only talking to me, but screaming at me everyday about how stupid I am. Yes, ‘walking out’ is an easier option; easier to put an end to the domestic violence. But it is also easy to try to get help for someone I deeply care about. I am someone who stayed at home and fought to change our lives. I believe Paras can be helped. And I know he will change.